mixTURE (as in MIXed up creaTURE!)

LATELY I have been always talking about Tatay.  I miss him so much.  There is this great regret on my part for not having the chance to do the things that I can do for him at this point of my life.  I imagine him being on the other side of the phone asking me to buy him things that he likes.  His likes are not so hard to give, for example having a set of good knives.  Or to have a good pair of shoes that will match his belt.  I remember him being so presentable even if he is just going to the wet market to buy our food for the day.  He had been our cook.  After retiring from the government service, as a manager, he had his permanent post in our kitchen as our chef.  

I miss the fights I had with Tatay.  We seem to be always in opposition of each other, whatever the topic maybe.  We had been great enemies.  Up to know, nothing beats him as my toughest opponent.  His pride and my pride are unbelievably crazy, it takes months before we talk to each other after a heated argument.

I owe the ME to him.  I never wanted before to be compared to him, in anything.  I get angry at his friends sometimes when they tell me that I am growing to be just like him.  I hated him and I had hated the idea of being like him.  But after his death, I met him.  That was the beginning I realized why Tatay was the way he was.  He is not a simple man, that is what I have gathered from his friends coming from all-over whom he have met in the different stages of his life.  I just failed to know him. If given another chance, I would like to know Tatay more, talk to him more, try to understand him, and try to be a good daughter to him.  

Everything seems to be too late.  He is dead.  I will never be able to see him again.  I will never hear him sing, laugh at his jokes, and have another debate with him.  But I think it is not yet too late to appreciate him.

We were not in good terms before he died.  We never had a chance to talk.  I never gave him a chance to.  But some years after his death, after some effort of knowing him through the eyes of his acquaintances and friends, I believed Tatay and me were friends again.  We have finally reached the point of letting our shields and weapons down. 

Running away from fast-track life…

I am running away from a fast-track life.  I decided to stay in a city very different from

Manila

where I grew up.  Not so laid back but not so busy – so-so, I liked it.

I realized that I have been here for 11 years.  Eleven years since high school up to until now.  To compare the would-be life and

Manila

and here, I like it more here still.

Lately though, I was surprised that my life right now is on a double fast-forward track.  Oh my God!  Last three months ago, I started having a part-time job which is okay because of my part-time status with my main job as a program coordinator.  There was an opportunity to work as part-time in a clothing company that does not require long hours and so I grabbed it.  That makes my work = 2.

Last month, there was another opportunity to work in an organization for 3 weeks and my main task would be to help them organize a national event in

Negros

.  I thought then that it is no problem, I can do it and so that makes my work = 3.

In between, a friend planning to run for the barangay elections approached me and asked me if I could help him make his campaign materials, I said yes – that makes my work = 4.

On top of everything is my neglected thesis that I need to finish next year.  This was supposed to be finished by now but I can’t because, obviously, of the reasons above.

I have not yet had a real rest for the past three months.  I consider the past month the toughest. Delivery of the garments, the symposium in full blast, then the scheduled training that I coordinate, and also the pressure to finish the campaign materials of my friends.  I totally set aside my paper and deferred it again for next year.  Did I mention that I am starting off my business?  Oh, lala… Hahahah…

I am running away from fast-track life but I have a life right now very similar to it.

This coming weekend, I promised myself a break.  I will be beside the beach, feeling the sea breeze, waiting for the sunset, and will be waken up by the sunrise and energized by the mists of a new day.  Life can still be sweet and even sweeter.

FORMING HEARTS AND MINDS,

CREATING HUMANE, JUST,

AND SUSTAINABLE FRAMEWORK

THE

Friday, August 31, 2007

12:39:40 AM

It is again another year added to my age.  A new year for me BUT my wish remains the same – TO FIND MY FAMILY.

I have so many homes where I am welcome but there is something that I am looking for – where did I really come from.  It has been a long search and I sometimes ask myself “why still look for them when you seem okay now?”  There is just something that I cannot explain why I am doing this.  Some friends begged me to stop for it might only hurt me.  Some supports me.  Some avoids it, especially some of Tatay’s friend for maybe they know something that they don’t want to share as it may affect the way I look at the only reality that I have now.  It is a big puzzle that I try to solve.  Fortunately, little by little pieces are being found and beginning to form a picture.

Someday, I WILL FIND THEM…

"All your life, you are marching onto your own tune.  One day, you’ll be surprised to hear someone playing another tune that blends beautifully with yours.  That’s true love…  It’s not giving up who you are, it is taking your identity and uniting it with someone else…"

~ OJ, July 16, 2007

It’s been a long search.  Since when? I cannot remember.  I have been searching for the woman who gave me life.  The half that made me whole and for nine months we are one.  In her womb, my life started.  The right time came then she delivered me into this world where my adventure would be extraordinary.

I lost her when I was three years old.  She died of leukemia, some said of a heart disease, I said she left and never came back.  She left me wondering how she looked like, how she walked, how she talked.

Twenty years passed by then I came stumbling on some pieces of the large puzzle.  It made me excited.  Finally, the pieces are falling in their places to give me the picture of haw it was and how it should be.  But, it is not the case that I wish it to be.  The pieces are falling piece by piece.  As you construct it automatically collapse.  It would made you think that they are not of the same kind.  They don’t fit.  And you will question the truth.

I almost found her.  Her family is almost located.  They found them in Sultan Kudarat.  They knew her face.  They know her name.  They saw me when I was just weeks old.  They recognized me when I was a toddler.  I almost found my mom but I lost my dad.  If my father is not my father, who is my father?

I am back to scratch.  It is a swirl with no ending.  I am looking all-over the country.  I have jumped from one island to another.  And now I am back to where I have started.  It is like playing the Snakes-and-Ladders game, you’ve got 12 in the dice but you ended on the spot where you have to go back to zero.  It is like drawing a picture in a Magic Slate, you are almost done with an amazing illustration but the slate got erased.

Should I really go back to zero?  Start from scratch?  Make a new picture?

Someday answers will just come out in the open.  It will clear.  I will find my mother then my father then my brother.  I’ll find my family and I will be whole.  It can also be that I’ll have many mothers, many fathers, many brothers and sisters, and a big, big, big family.

I was so sure that it was going to be a DE CASTRO-OLOROSO FAMILY REUNION next week — but it is not.  Just today, when I was asking for what to print on the t-shirt because it was just yesterday that they assigned me the task, here are the words that I should print:

TRES MARIAS  - DE CASTRO CLAN FAMILY

REUNION

Huh? Who are the Tres Marias? And where did the Oloroso’s go.  I know that Lola is a De Castro so this means that the reunion is on Lola’s side.  This is another reason to be early – to ask them questions.  Another is to print the t-shirts! 

Well, I hope the reunion turns out memorable.  I am also wishing to feel at home after being alone in the

island

of

Negros

for some time.  This can also be the time for me to realize that I have a family somewhere.  Go, OLOROSO!

Isa sa mga naipama ng aking ama sa akin ay ang kanyang librito na naglalaman ng mga awiting Pilipino o mga titik ng mga awiting kundiman.  Ang ganitong uri ng mga awitin ay aking kinaiinisan noong ako ay bata pa sapagkat wala nang iba pang istasyon ng radyo ang iyong pwedeng pakinggan sa araw ng Linggo kundi lamang ang istasyon na may kundiman.  Ang maging bata na nasa elementarya, ang pagpapahalaga sa awiting Pilipino ay hindi masyadong napapagtuunan lalo na’t sa Maynila ang kinalakhang bayan.  Kung sa mga palabas naman sa telebisyon ang pag-uusapan, regular na manonuod ang aking ama ng “Aawitan Kita” at “Concert at the Park”.  Wala ka ring pwedeng magawa sa ganitong mga sitwasyon kundi ang makinood sa kanya o makinood sa kapit-bahay ng kung anumang pinapanood nila maliban sa kundiman.

Aking nasabi na ang librito ay naipamana ng aking ama.  Hindi man niya ito inihabilin na mapunta sa akin pero ito ay aking kinuha sa kanyang maliit na koleksyon na naiwan nung siya ay pumanaw.  Aking kinuha sapagkat, una, ako ay nag-iipon ng mga libro para sa aking maliit na aklatan, at ikalawa ay ang sentimental na halaga nito para sa akin.  Kinaiinisan ko man noon, ngayon ay natutunan ko ng pahalagahan.

Sa aking pagbukas ng mga pahina, para kong naririnig ang aking ama na sinisipol ang mga himig ng mga awitin.  Aking unang nadiskubre na ang mga kinakanta nya sa amin nung kami ay bata pa ay hindi kanyang mga gawa-gawa lamang kundi bahagi ng Pilipinong katutubong awitin o mga komposisyon ng mga

gaya

ni Levi Celerio.  Nakaipit din sa mga pahina nito ang iilang mga papel na may sulat-kamay ni tatay.  Aking siyang nakikita na nakaupo sa kanyang paboritong silyang gawa sa rattan sa aming maliit na sala, naninigarilyo o nagbabasa ng peryodiko.

Aminin ko man sa hindi, aking hinahanap-hanap ang maging sa piling ni ama.  Huli na mang maituturing pero hindi nabigo ang aking ama na maipasa sa akin ang kanyang awitin na aking natutunang mahalin.

Hanggang sa muling pagkikita, Tatay! Aawitan kita.

———–

I wrote this more than a year ago…  I think it’s worth posting.

I was excited to post what I wrote last night.  It took me hours to formulate the sentences and paragraphs.  I slept late but I made something that I was happy about - a three-page essay for my blog.

Happily, I came to the office unusually early - 11:30am. ;-D  I plugged the memory stick to the USB port.  There it was, my essay.  But something bothered my eyes.  There were other documents and pictures and etcetera in the stick.  I decided to delete them first before opening the blog and posting the essay.  I cleaned the mess and I deleted the essay.  Damn, I deleted the essay! Stupid!  I should have done it the other way around, posted the essay then cleaned the stick.  It was too late.  When I clicked on the CANCEL button my essay is already gone.  Huhuhu… I was glad the Forrest Gump was there to remind me that SHIT HAPPENS!  However, ‘a promise is a promise, (Lt. Dan)’, also from the genius Mr. Gump.  I will write again for something to post here.  I believe that SHIT does not have to HAPPEN everyday!  I’ll try tomorrow. 

I dream of visiting each one of the 7,107 islands of my country – the Philippines. According to the Lonely Planet you would need, more or less, 20 years to do it (that is if you will only spend a day in each island – one day is not enough to explore an island ). Hmmm… That would mean lots of time and , of course, I cannot go everyday. BUT, I have started already.

Islands of the Philippines that I’ve been to:

LUZON: Luzon, Masbate, Mindoro, Romblon

VISAYAS: Negros, Danjugan, Sipaway, Siquijor, Cebu, Mactan, Panay, Guimaras, Taklong, Tandag, Boracay, Bohol*, Panglao*, Leyte (plus 2 from the Quatro Isla)*

MINDANAO: Mindanao, Camiguin, Samal, Talikud, Basilan, Malamaui

* been there for the first time April of this year.

I’ll update you 20 years after. Hahahaha… See you in one of the islands. Or better, join me in my jumping, jumping, swimming, gliding, flying, running, playing, bathing, hiking, climbing, camping, eating, living, loving, learning…